My deepest life’s story

Hi guys, I am back with a special blog post today. I’ve been talking about it to one of my outset at the gym as I felt I could share a bit of me as he shared a bit of himself. I’ve then been wondering why I wouldn’t explain to you the whole story …

I have never been feeling good in my body but also didn’t make any specific effort to change it. I was a teenager who ate all she was fancying, didn’t really do any sport but hated her body. But it’s more or less 3 years 1/2 ago that my story started. After a 2 years and a half relationship, or shall I say « my first love » I had no choice but to break up. It was voluntary and I had to focus a bit more on me instead of suffering from my feelings. What followed this have been many critics concerning my body and how I looked (no need to say as after that much time he knew perfectly my complexes). The biggest thing I remember is that he said that when I didn’t have my hairs straight I looked like a boy. I was already stressed about my annual big exam and already started to be more attentive about the food I ate as I started to run 3 times per week. After those words I forgot him completely but something else happened in exchange to this … I started to become mentally anorexic (I keep saying « mental Anorexia  » as even if I lost a lot of weight I’ve never looked extremely skinny). I remember myself eating alone before everyone my tomato with salt and pepper before to go to bed. After the exam period I’ve finally been back in France for summer holidays and was already much skinnier. During this period I ate everything but just in small quantity. I came back in Reunion Island for this last college’s year .. one I could definitely never forget. I started to reduce the food I allowed myself to have, first I removed all that was consider as fat. And then I slightly reduced my food choices to vegs and fruits. At the beginning of the school year I was still motivated as I wanted to integrate a mathematical preparatory class to try to access to one of the biggest and known business school in France. To be able to work late and quite a lot I asked my mum to bring me all the fruits and vegs we had until I fall asleep. In terms of calories it may not be a lot but it was a really big quantity. I forgot to say as I kept running during this time 4 to 5 times per week. I then changed running for a 1h30 to 2h of bodyweight home workout. My food intake was still reducing until I just had 3 cherry tomatoes per meal and a bit of pineapple if I needed after school. In terms of breakfast I was so frustrated that I allowed myself all sorts of food; pancakes, Nutella, cakes, granola and I even felt the need to require my mum to cook me pasta and steak at 7am … Of course most of the time I met the toilets before to leave home to head at school. This happened during few months until we had the mock exams before holidays. I am the kind of person who can’t do something if I’m aware that I can’t do it well. It’s obvious that without food I couldn’t learn and then being able to have at least correct results. I missed all these exams .. but the condition was that I had to eat again and changing everything to get the final exam. This island linked me with my first love and I needed to leave it. I had no choice but to get the exam .. So I’ve been eating much more in one step. I couldn’t fit anymore in my old clothes, I didn’t go out of home as I couldn’t support to compare myself in the clothes and was crying all the time. I’ve been lucky because even if I was a miserable girl, daughter or sister at this time I had some support. My dad asked me to throw away my clothes and bought me new and bigger one. It started to go slightly better but I still didn’t like my body. I finally got my exam and have been losing a bit of weight again to look more attractive and slimmer in bikini and of course being ready to integrate my second study choice .. The business school. I wasn’t ready to be at 100% for a preparatory class and to let down the sport so I took an easiest option. Back in the country, business school, new and older people .. I wanted to be an attractive girl and have been keeping eating quite nothing (but always chocolate and 2 to 4 geese’s each morning) and working out with my bodyweight. 1 year happened like this … and I’ve finally join a team to try to become the new student’s representants. I cared a lot about this project and invested myself at 1000% which meant no training and eating anything which I could when I finally had time to eat. We lost, I felt like I put on weight for nothing and have been back on track with hot yoga and « healthy food ». I didn’t lose the fat I wanted as it was healthy but still too much compare to what I did as exercise (I had no idea about the calories there were in one chocolate rice cake so I had 6 each morning added to my porridge and the topping). I finally arrived in my second year and met a 1year guy who made me join a gym and showed me « how to train ». I started to like it and to make it each single morning of the week (and if I had school I didn’t go at school before having done my session). There I was doing the same full body session everyday with 30min on the treadmill to begin with. I met a guy there who became my (ex)boyfriend and gave me my first split. I finally had to leave to go in London for my 3months internship (yes it was one year ago). First thing I asked in arriving in London to my family was a gym, I even had anxiety crisis and was crying until we found this « virgin active » at Tower Bridge. I kept training but still found myself fat. This ex boyfriend made me do a sort of diet and restricted my food a lot .. Anorexia came back and let me tell you as I broke up straight after with this guy. During few months I kept training and still didn’t eat enough. It then happened that I decided to ask to stay in London (this is not the story today so I won’t talk more about this). I finally could stay and few months after this I found @jujufitcats & @stephanie_befit which made me trust in the fact that I could eat more and having the body I wanted to. I took this risk (which was hard) and everything started to be better … my training and my body then. I’ve been starting to track my calories and have seen what I was able to achieve in terms of physique. But guys even if it helped me a lot through my journey it drove me crazy so many times. I’ve been suffering a lot from depression and anxiety during the time I didn’t do anything and was alone in London until I got this job. No one know the full story (except my mum) and that’s why no one understand why I’m so enthusiastic and happy about my job. This may even have save my life. From there I met many people, have been much more busy and started to change my mind. Those who follow me may know the rest of the story so I’ll be faster on this part. I started to realise how I cared about performance and how I important was to lift heavy compared to « looking good ». I’ve been starting to eat a lot more, having much better training, doing my first PB’s and few weeks ago I’ve even been able to stop tracking my calories … I currently train 6 times per week (weights sessions), eat all I want when I want (of course I still try to keep it healthy and to keep reasonable quantity) and this makes me happy. I’m still careful as I don’t know if this can definitely leave me but I would say as it’s super closed to my full anorexia recovery.

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